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I wish I could tell you [March 31, 2020]

I wish I could tell you how much it means to me to have this time for me and for us. Being able to see you and talk to you every day over the past weeks has been the most blissful gift I’ve received in years.

I wish I could tell you that my heart hurts when I see the restless nights in your eyes while you always tell me not to worry. You would never let me worry about you. If only I could take on any amount of stress or burden for you, I would even if that means I’ll have more wrinkles, that’s fine too (at least I use moisturizer and anti-aging products every day).

I wish I could tell you when I ‘disappear’, it’s not because I forget or neglect you. Sometimes I just have to shut myself off to recharge and calm down the turbulence of thoughts and feelings that are overflowing inside of me, so I’d rather you wonder if I’m busy than be concerned about my wellbeing since I'm terrible at hiding my emotions. But…

I also wish I could make you rest assured that I am fine, and when I’m not, I will be fine. It’s because I know even if the whole world is against me, I will always have you by my side.

I wish I could tell you as strong and independent as I appear or strive to be, I crave for being pampered and having a shoulder to lean on when I’m exhausted......... just like everyone else. I never told you so nor you need me to. You are always my rock.

I wish I could erase all the guilt you feel about “I’m not able to provide you enough of...”, “I’m not able to be there with you during this time”, “If only I was rich enough so that you could...”, etc. because that’s just silly. I’m beyond proud of you. You’ve worked so incredibly hard to become who you are today and nurtured me to become who I am today – this alone should already be enough from you because I love the woman I am today, and I secretly hope you do too :)

I wish I could tell you that it kills me inside when I know you love me so much that if anything happens to me, it will destroy you. But I’m a big girl now and the universe has a big plan for me, so don’t you worry.

I wish I could tell you that I love you so much, but instead, I show it by trying to make you laugh in my daily online training series of 'Better Life with Prof. Zip'. And of course, I make sure you have to complete your assignments because Prof. Zip is amazing but she has very high standards and expectations for her students, so you’d better work hard (we’ll see what grade you’ll get from Prof. Zip this weekend).

I wish I could tell you how happy I am to see you're happy, or when I can make you feel 'happier'. Happy thoughts make happy life!

I wish I could tell you how thankful I am to have this life because of you, and I miss you. I may not be with you, but I know you are always close to me because I keep you right in my heart.



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